Allocating Our Time, Not Our Hearts

In seeing people from our past, a time when we all caught lightning in a bottle, from elementary school, high school, college, and all the years of our careers, comes a Socratic question:  If we met each other today, with no history, would we be friends?

Not many people will admit it but as get older, and the past slowly fades, we struggle with who to keep as friends and contacts.

Thinning the herd may sound cruel but I know we all do it. I do it. Often. and it’s not out of any malice or ill will. it just..is.

If you are reading this, you made the cut. It’s not random. It’s because I have been touched with one more step, along the way. It doesn’t have to be big, could be a comment or a like on a serious post.

It is not to say the others don’t care. Interests change. Lives change and we move on and move forward. And we face that elephant in the room: Why am I still connected?

I can tell you why I am for some.

Acknowledgements sometimes carries weight but I am amazed at how many likes I get when someone ‘likes’ what I had for breakfast or posts something about someone I know, these people have never met. But for many of those, there were other moments the caring came through, in the best of times and the worst of times.

It’s split..serial ‘likers’ who like everything and those who revel in my memory or experience. And believe me, I revel in theirs.

I get connections, with our far past, recent past, and current life.

It is just as easy to leave a comment; a criticism, an accolade. But many think a thumbs up is engagement. It’s not. There’s always that extra step that doesn’t take time, it takes involvement. Officer Malone, the Sean Connery character in ‘The Untouchables’ said: “You can get a lot further with a kind word and a gun, than just a kind word.”

I write a Substack column and am grateful for the 400 followers who enjoy this free site and take the time to reply or comment.

One person wrote me last week, who was a fellow senior executive (he was tad more senior!) at a company I worked at. He said he enjoyed my most recent column and many of them. I have not spoken to him in more than 25 years but the connection was respect, not just a click. And just last night, a colleague and friend with whom our trials and tribulations over the years got in the way, texted me and the warmth was still visibly there. 

Many disappeared from LinkedIn or my contact list, partly because we no longer had work relationships, which were rich at one time, which happens a lot, or a kind email or message of encouragement or congratulations from me was ignored.

And some are siblings of old friends and many I have not seen in 60 years but something they said to me and I said to them, made a link and that link is still relevant today. And believe it or not, some I have never met! Those are among the richest.

But if you are in my sphere,  it’s for one reason.  You reacted, you took the extra step, and you cared to leave your mark. Marks can be measured in different ways. Laughter, respect, empathy, compassion. It’s a social network and being social is part of connecting. My friend Mike says I have too many friends. There are 2am ‘I need you’ friends and there are those who we just..like. And don’t think it goes unnoticed.

I always got a kick from people who used to say in the 90s: “I don’t watch network shows, I only watch PBS.”  They are the same who say: “I don’t go on FB,” as if it’s a badge of courage..or silly rebellion.  I post a lot..wait..A LOT. I like to make people laugh, think, feel, wonder, challenge, question, and keep up. The noted physician Dr. Leonard McCoy said: “Damn it, Jim. I’m a ‘people person, not a bystander.”

Sure. We all want to be loved. But we all want to be acknowledged. We want to matter and matter to each other, even if we NEVER see each other again in our lives which at 70, is becoming more likely; sadly. But I thank you for helping me matter, and hope the feeling is mutual.