My friend Mike says the best columns are when I don’t talk about myself.
Ahhh. Michael, in this case,I must disagree but you have been a tremendous supporter.
I believe when I talk about myself, it’s less about ego and more of a road map through life, if I may be so arrogant. And that is what this column touches upon. My experiences in this musing are about what we learn when we ONLY talk about ourselves.
In the past several weeks, I have seen numerous Facebook posts where people recall a loved one who passed, either recently or on an anniversary.
People post to remember someone important to them and we see responses such as: ”My mom passed on the same day,” “I feel your pain, I recently lost my brother,” or “Sorry about your dog, Spot. We lost Charlie and Duke three months ago and they crossed the Rainbow Bridge.”
Well, there’s an old narcissistic joke: “Enough about me, let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?”
It is my experience that when people recall a loss, they are exposing their deepest emotions of grief and pain and with that post, it is about them and not you or me.
They want to embrace this moment in time, for themselves but people often use the opportunity to talk about themselves. There are enough opportunities to do so but for that moment it is about them, not you or me.
This is not about one-upmanship. It is about focusing on your friends who are at a pivotal moment in their lives or the calendar date and all they want is a ‘like,’ or ‘care’ or ‘love’ emoji or a show of support, empathy, and compassion.
Now sometimes, people do not want—or can’t-talk about their loss. They have no words and often, WE have no words. That’s ok. Take it from a guy who knows.
I have made it my mission to talk for those who find it impossible. Trust a loud-mouthed pr guy from New York who knows what buttons to push to help others ‘understand’ pain as best they can without experiencing it themselves.
But life happens. Parents, siblings, children, grandparents, friends, and yes, pets. I feel for those who have lost pets. You can say it’s not the same but ANY attachment in your life that is broken, has an effect, all at different levels of course.
And sometimes, people are just talked-out or cried-out. Just be there if needed and when you do reach out after a loss, ask them how they are TODAY. It changes every day. There are ok days, bad days, and shitty days and I have discovered, good days. Maybe those come from the passage of time, but I also believe people can move forward, never moving ON. We bring those loved ones with us, in memories, jokes, smiles, and tears.
Every day, we will hear of a loss or sadly, experience it ourselves. Today, I learned of the passing of my friend and grief therapist who I met with less than 24 hours after Erica’s death. Perhaps it was having him in that life at such a raw moment, that gave me perspective to offer it to others and I’ve noted this here.
We don’t need to go through the same experience, but rather help those in pain remember and commemorate, but not divert the conversation to ourselves.
I’ve witnessed the behavior you describe in this article often. I think the people who do it
don’t even realize they’re doing it.
I’ve witnessed the behavior you describe in this article often. I think the people who do it
don’t even realize they’re doing it.